Love stories end badly, in general. Mélina Lecluze Amorotti, 32, was determined to contradict the famous phrase from a Rita Mitsouko song. Almost seven years ago, the young woman gave birth to her first child. From the lack of sleep to the disappearance "very far" of her libido through the repeated arguments, this mother of two children (ages 2 and 6) has decided to reveal without filter the dark side of motherhood.
Far from the watered-down photos of social networks and idealized parenthood, the founder of the Instagram account La_famille_tortue has released her first book: Baby Clash. How to protect your couple after baby (published by Larousse). In 2021, a survey conducted by the Elabe Institute for WeMoms reported that two out of three couples were experiencing a baby clash. Today, the naturopath has (re)found her balance as a woman, mother and wife. The fruit of a (very) long journey.
Le Point: The notion of "baby clash" has recently been popularized by the media. What is it about ?
Mélina Lecluze Amorotti: The arrival of a child is an emotional, loving and friendly storm. We often read that baby clash occurs days, weeks or months after the birth of a baby, but this tense situation can occur at any time. I don't think you're ever prepared to be a parent. Whether on social networks or in movies, we rarely see couples arguing over the birth of a child. In my case, the first tensions and difficulties appeared almost from the preconception period. We just weren't ready to be parents.
What would you have liked to have been told before the arrival of your first child?
That my life was going to take a 180 degree turn and that I was going to have to mourn my life before, my sleep, my freedom. If there are obviously wonderful moments with the arrival of a child, life changes completely. You should never hesitate to consult a therapist, it is marital therapy that saved my relationship. I imagined this book as a real toolbox for all parents with concrete advice to apply on a daily basis. All with humorous illustrations by the illustrator "Mom his mother".
When did you realize the gravity of your situation?
In the few months after the birth of my son, I kept telling my family and my husband that I was exhausted and needed help. But not really taken seriously. Until the day I was placed in an artificial coma due to an operation under general anesthesia. And that's what saved us. During my stay in the hospital, my husband realized that he had to take his place in the family and take on his role as a father. Obviously, we didn't go from black to white, there were a multitude of shades in between. But, during my stay in the hospital, he understood that he was going to have to roll up his sleeves and manage. We became a team but nothing was easy, we are still moving forward, it takes time. In a couple, there is not a manager and an intern, you really have to be partners.
Is the "baby clash" preventable?
Of course, but society is not yet open to this change. I think that it would be necessary to set up psychological support for young parents in order to prepare them for the arrival of a child and help them to approach this delicate transition. These sessions to learn "life after" should also be integrated into birth preparation classes. Similarly, care must be taken to establish non-violent communication to express one's feelings and not to overwhelm one's partner with reproaches. I'm not saying that you have to work hard to save your couple. If the flame hasn't gone out yet, it's worth trying to rekindle it. Unfortunately, sometimes, no matter how much we do, the magic no longer works. You have to accept that a love story can end. Again, this is not a failure but the start of something else.
In your book, you talk about the concept of parental disconnect. Is that a key to dealing with this period?
Having time for yourself is essential to adapt to this new life. When our second child was born, I expressed to my husband my need to recharge my batteries, alone. If at first he didn't really understand, in the end I left him no choice and I booked a night at the hotel. I came back calm, rested, smiling, and I enjoyed playing long hours with my children. I was transformed.
Since then, my spouse has encouraged me to make these disconnections. It is even he who identifies when I need a break and offers me to leave. My last parental disconnect lasted five nights, and he got into it too. It even boosted my libido. I found myself sending him naughty text messages, it had never happened to me.
Through many testimonials, I realized that this need for a break was widespread but that few took the plunge, not always knowing how to go about it. I just filed the concept of parental disconnection. I would like to offer coaching and stays to go further in my support.
