You can dress him up, but you can’t take him to the fantasy suite.
Or more precisely, Corinne Olympios couldn’t.
Sure, she dropped more than $3,000 buying Nick Viall an outfit on last week’s hometown date, but it couldn’t buy her a berth in the final three on The Bachelor.
Nick took Vanessa Grimaldi, Rachel Lindsay and Raven Gates off to Finland in Monday’s episode, leaving Corinne to cry in her glass of wine and take a nap.
Don’t worry, I’m sure Raquel peeled Corinne some grapes or something when she got back to Miami.
In the meantime, ABC certainly is dragging things out on the way to the finale. Monday’s one-hour episode gave us a rose ceremony and one incomplete fantasy suite date plus a totally pointless visit from Nick’s Bachelorette ex Andi Dorfman.
We’ll have to wait till next week to find out whether Nick, ahem, satisfies Raven on their date and how things go with Vanessa and Rachel (not that we really care about Rachel since we already know she’s the new Bachelorette). That episode will be sandwiched with The Women Tell All for a whopping three hours of TV.
Till then, here’s what transpired Monday.
Knock, Knock: As we saw in last week’s promo, the brunette who turned up at Nick’s hotel suite door in Brooklyn was Dorfman. “What does Andi want? And what does it mean for the rest of Nick’s journey?” intoned host Chris Harrison over video of Nick and Andi sitting on a couch drinking wine.
Sweet f--- all would be my answer.
Andi was there supposedly just to check up on Nick and see how things were going. As if. My guess is she was there partly to make us think, if just for a moment, that she might be renewing her interest in Nick and screwing things up between him and his finalists; and also so she could help propel the “Nick might not propose to anybody” narrative, which was brought up in their conversation.
Her visit also gave Nick the chance to apologize for his “why did you make love to me?” tattle on Andi’s After the Final Rose episode, thus furthering the season’s redemption story line.
And speaking of sex, Andi told Nick to go ahead and bonk all three finalists in the fantasy suites if he saw potential for them to be there at the end.
We may never know if he does, since Nick seems to have learned his lesson about, um, kissing and telling.
The Rose Ceremony: Vanessa was still licking her wounds after finding out on her hometown date that Nick had asked the fathers of all four women for their blessings to propose. “I just don’t feel special,” she complained tearfully.
Naturally that meant she was last to get a rose, after Raven and Rachel, raising the false fear that she’d be sent home.
Seriously, you think Nick wants to finance Corinne’s regular binges at “one of the most exclusive malls in Miami”? I don’t think the life of a reality TV personality pays quite that much.
Corinne started crying the minute the final rose was handed out but showed a heartening lack of bitchiness as Nick walked her to the limo of shame, wishing him good luck and saying a polite thank you when he opened the door for her.
“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?” she asked once inside. (First tip: don’t look for a mate on a TV show.)
“I’m done — done! — trying to show my men how much I love them and I worship them and I care for them and I support them. . . . I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I’m tired and done, I’m done. I want to go to sleep.”
And with that she snuggled up for a nap in a corner of the limo, wine glass still in hand.
What’s Finnish for Orgasm? Raven was chosen for the first date in Lapland, supposedly because Nick wasn’t sure “where her heart is at right now.”
But Raven was concerned with a region lower than the heart. She had only been “intimate” with one man before, her cheating ex-boyfriend, and he never gave her an orgasm, she confessed to Nick.
Certainly it made for more interesting conversation than the argument they had earlier about whether clothing irons were better than steamers.
Raven had also never told the ex she loved him, seeing as he only used the L-word when he was drunk. Guy sounds like such a keeper, doesn’t he?
But she was keen to tell Nick she loved him, even though he couldn’t say it back.
Nick said it was “one of the best professions of love I’ve ever had.” But words seemed to fail him, after Raven accepted the fantasy suite invitation, when she revealed she was still in the hunt for the big O.
Nick had been planning not to sleep with the final three, to keep a “clear head,” he said in his confessional, but now “I honestly don’t know how I’m going to approach this.”
We last saw Nick and Raven kissing while lying clothed on a bed, beneath a glass ceiling to facilitate views of the Northern Lights.
We’ll have to wait till next week to see how far Nick — and the producers — take things.
You can tune in Monday at 8 p.m. on OMNI to watch it unfold.
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