When excessive clinging and controlling become problems in everyday relationships, fear of loss can be the cause. It is mostly women who are affected by this, relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg knows: "The fear of people who fear loss is losing the love and affection of their partner." In an interview, the expert reveals what the widespread phenomenon is all about and how a partnership can work despite the fear of loss.
Why do women often suffer from fear of loss?
Wieland Stolzenburg: During their childhood, women often experience their father as unavailable or unavailable. They have often found that he doesn't really care about them, doesn't have enough time, and often couldn't give them emotionally what would have been good for them. That experience, like not being loved, not being seen, or not being important for years, can lead to that wound. This emotional injury can then be easily touched on later in adult life in a partnership if you feel something similar: my partner does not give me his full attention, he gives me too little love or has too little time for me. And the fear of loss becomes active and hurts.
What do these women fear most?
The fear of loss-fearing people is losing the love and affection of their partner and, in the worst case, losing their partner completely due to a breakup. This is accompanied by the fear of disharmony and conflicts in the relationship, affairs and cheating on the part of the partner, not enough time with him or the loss of influence and control over the relationship and the partner.
How do women often behave when they are afraid of loss?
Typical behaviors when the fear of loss is active are: clinging, wanting to control the partner, jealous behavior, wanting to forbid things for the partner, wanting to pull them towards you, making them feel guilty in order to regain control. Every person who fears loss has their own conscious and unconscious strategies for dealing with the pain in these situations in the best possible way.
How should the partner deal with it?
Couples should talk openly and honestly about their own feelings and tell the other in which situations it becomes emotional for them and what helps them and what makes it worse in these moments. This should not be a request for the partner to behave in the same way in the future, but rather as a manual that he can use voluntarily - or not. This allows the partner of people who are afraid of loss to be more careful and considerate of these situations.
How can women overcome their fear of loss?
Women should first check for themselves whether they suffer from fear of loss. Overcoming fear of loss requires steps similar to overcoming fear of commitment. First of all, it is about recognizing and understanding your own feelings, thinking and behavior, followed by learning new coping strategies for challenging moments in combination with healing the old wounds that caused them.
