From the Schmoll corner: We'll soon be sending snow cannons to Ukraine

The Battle of Neukölln was lost.

From the Schmoll corner: We'll soon be sending snow cannons to Ukraine

The Battle of Neukölln was lost. The Battle of Lützerath too. But the fight against climate change and other evils goes on. Our columnist thinks it's good that Germany has a new defense minister.

I am badly injured - it hurts deep in my soul - after the defeat from Lützerath, after I attended a concert by Igor Levit in the Hambi, who shone with "Horch, what's coming in from outside" on the Steinway grand piano, the Polish guest worker dragged them into the forest especially for him, so that everyone on the blue planet would know that he, the piano player, was playing on the right side. A little joke, hopefully covered by freedom of speech, at the beginning of this bilious column for your amusement, so that you keep laughing in the mad world in which we live, whether we like it or not.

No, I was in Böllerbü the whole time and fought the battle for the good and against the bad in me in my home office. Böllerbü is the town near Frankfurt an der Oder where King Olaf the Forgetful (formerly known as "King Olaf the Unclear") rules, or at least thinks he does. In Böllerbü, too, the world is no longer in order, as New Year's Eve showed. Here you have to vote all the time and reckon with the police because they aren't that good at it themselves. She has trouble counting citizenships and is therefore constantly correcting herself, which means that some who are unbiased are happy to have their judgments confirmed, while others who are unbiased say they are prejudices and are relieved when there is a Nazi march is reported in Borna, which straightens out all the prejudices of the other unprejudiced people.

Now, according to "statistics revised internally by the police," as it is called, there were 37 suspects in Berlin who have German, dual or foreign citizenship. It's great that people have citizenship at all. Nobody can live on air, love and Hartz IV alone. In my opinion, citizenships are overrated. We only have this one world. I also don't always state my citizenship and ask the CDU not to infer my origins and my character from my first name. I swear to you I was home and peaceful for New Years. I'm definitely neither a small nor a big pasha and also - in contrast to Privataviator-Merz - strictly reject the P-word because it is a matter of cultural appropriation.

The Emin-Pascha-Straße in Munich should be renamed. Whatever her name will be: the New Year's problem - if there was one at all, people tend to forget easily and quickly - has been solved thanks to the famous Ms. Giffey, whose "youth summit" decided everything that needed to be decided. Any other ideas? "If too many men use firecrackers and the like as weapons, then they should probably be banned," the ARD press club quoted the editor-in-chief of a well-known daily newspaper as saying. This idea of ​​a ban finally gets to the root of the problem.

Of course, it would be even better to ban men, which I would welcome, because then there would be no more wars, many disputes would end suddenly and we could end parity before it was complete. But it is far from that far, which is why the Greens are angry with King Olaf, because he has promised that he will make as many women as men MinisterSTERNSCHENinnen if they are competent enough like his Minister for Self-Defense, who is not because of incompetence resigned, but because the media was mean to her. Herr zu Guttenberg also justified his departure by citing the hunting instincts of the press and the press.

My guess is that King Olaf the Forgetful was not malicious in making a man minister, he just couldn't remember what he had agreed with his partners in the Progressive Coalition early in his tenure. Irrespective of this, our leader managed a skilful beer move: He showed equal leadership and closeness to the people when, during a visit to the Gold Ochsen brewery in Ulm, he chose the poor bastard who must become the successor to the Minister of Self-Defense.

It is this swift, wise, and consistent action that brings us, the infantry, to our knees in deep gratitude before our king. And who knows, maybe Mr. Pistorius will wake up before the next federal election and declare the gender assigned to him at birth to be over and declare that he is a woman or someone else, but no longer a man. Because, as is well known, there are more than just two genders, namely quite a lot, for each of which a public toilet is being built in Böllerbü, so that the shitty injustice has an end.

Mr (Mrs?) Pistorius said right away: "The Ministry of Defense is a challenge even in times of peace, and in times when the Federal Republic of Germany is involved in a war - indirectly - even more so." Bad, bad, bad when someone states the obvious. Kalle Lauterbach was still banned. "We are at war with Putin," he announced. Then the ex-Minister for Self-Defense came and, after returning from a leave from the front on Sylt, declared: "We will not be a party to the war." Afterwards, Kalle Lauterbach told RTL/ntv: "Of course we are not a war party, Mrs. Lambrecht is absolutely right."

Reliability creates trust. Say what is - as long as there is no Bundestag poet, the progressive coalition must explain the situation of the nation itself. The people need clear announcements so that they don't go crazy, especially now that they have to digest the defeat at Lützen and Himpelchen and Pimpelchen had to leave their tunnel. Nonsense, of course I mean the Battle of Lützerath, whose historical significance comes close to the slaughter of Lützen. My prescription was no accident. There it was about the change in religions, here it was about the change in climate.

Both are of the utmost importance to humanity. But nothing works without electricity. That is why the Greens are for freedom of religion, energy production and climate protection. And that's why they voted in NRW and in the Bundestag for the removal of Lützerath, but protested against it locally. Kathrin Henneberger, who only wants the good for the Greens in the Bundestag, explains this very conclusively: "We have a problem with the legal situation. We have a problem with the coal company. We have a problem with our coalition partners." And: "Our common opponent is the coal company RWE." Greta Thunberg, a well-known campaigner against prejudice, says: "The fact that the Greens make compromises with companies like this shows where their priorities lie."

Ms. Thunberg is also outraged by "what the police violence is like". I'll open the horseshoe here. Migrant and refugee violence - oh god, sweeping judgments. Really bad. It's okay with the police to lump all officials together, because they can't even do math (see above). But I would be careful not to annoy the police too much. They should soon control the ban on firecrackers and the speed limit on the freeway. So that we can get climate change under control and no longer need snow cannons. King Olaf the Forgetful then sends them to Ukraine. Of course, "always closely aligned and coordinated with our friends and allies". Long live King Olaf!