Dear Ms Peirano,
I (34, graphic artist) finally got to know a man a few years ago who I thought could be something. We've been dating for four months and wanted to see how things are going. It doesn't make any sense to decide beforehand.
He was very attentive and engaging, listened intently and remembered what I told him. At some point I asked him what was going on with us and he said he wanted to wait until next weekend when we had tickets to a festival.
I was kind of confused by his answer. But the weekend came and was very nice.
And then the next time we met, he got to the point and told me that he hadn't developed any deeper feelings for me and that he was very sorry, but he didn't want to go on with it.
I was shocked, even though I feared something like this. But now I'm wondering why it was. Am I not good enough looking? Didn't he like it in bed? What is it about me that he couldn't choose me?
This has happened to me before, and I'm getting more and more insecure. What should i do? Don't open me at all? Don't date men anymore? Be even more careful?
What do you advise me?
Many greetings
Henrike G.
Dear Henrike G,
maybe it won't help you if I say that. But your story is now a classic. Again and again I hear stories in my practice or in my private life that happen exactly like this. Getting to know each other, mostly online, then a non-binding test phase, which the man usually experiences as really non-binding and the woman after a while feels like waiting and holding out. She is waiting for a binding statement about what she means to him and that he means business. And shortly thereafter, the man usually breaks up and says he wasn't able to develop enough feelings.
That's sad and a lot of stress for the women affected (and of course it would be just as stressful for the men affected the other way around)! Above all, because after several such experiences there is already a kind of self-consciousness and uncertainty when getting to know each other as a constant companion: "When will I leave again?" It doesn't exactly help you to be relaxed, attentive and at ease. On the contrary: you get anxious and tense, you regulate your feelings so as not to get hurt. All in all, not good conditions for building trust and playful composure.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the relationship between relationship personality and happiness in love, and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
It helps to deal with the social causes and connections. I recommend the book "Why Love Hurts" by the sociologist Eva Illouz. Here you will also get an answer as to why it is mostly the women who suffer from these situations.
In my practice, too, the men are usually more at ease when it comes to dating. If they don't write in their profile that they want a committed, steady relationship, then they usually don't want that either. And think that's clear then. When I ask why they date women (and often several at the same time), I often hear: I'm not over my ex-girlfriend yet. Or "I want to enjoy my freedom" or "I'm afraid of commitment" or: "I want to be free, but I need female attention and approval." And often it's just an interest in sex.
Most of the time, the men are unaware of how much they hurt the women involved. And since the women often don't show how hurt they are out of self-protection and how serious they actually mean it, you can't blame the men either. So my advice to women would be: admit that you are only interested in serious offers. Unless they really think it's okay to have a loose connection!
Of course, my practice is not representative and of course there are also men who keep feeling rejected and are afraid of being abandoned. But that's not my personal experience in my practice, I've heard your story in one way or another very, very often, and without exception from women.
what can you do now I would recommend doing your self-esteem a favor and getting the answer you need to process the breakup and understand the reasons.
Imagine a child who is suddenly abandoned by an important caregiver (e.g. a teacher, godfather, friend or even a parent). Children relate something like this to themselves and also seek to blame themselves. It is therefore important that the adults take the time to examine and explain the situation from all sides.
And assume that there is a childlike hurt part in you that also feels vaguely guilty (for what actually?) and is disappointed that it wasn't lovable enough.
So my suggestion is that you release the adult part of yourself to get an answer for the child. If you sent the injured child to the man, it might cry, cling, plead and beg. That would be understandable, but of course not sovereign. I advise against that. But her good inner mother could write to the man and say: "Of course, I accept that you have decided not to have any further contact with me. I do have a request for you, however, in order to finish this better. Would you have an hour to tell me your Can you name reasons for this? It would be very helpful for me to know so that I can take a closer look in the future. I would be happy if we could meet again. We had a good basis together and it would help me if you could solve the riddle for me."
This letter would be good for their self-esteem as the inner mother stands by the child's feelings and explores them. The child wants clarification, so she asks for it. The tone (e.g. that of my wording) is appropriate and friendly. You can also be proud of so much style, especially in a stressful situation! And of course it would also be a relief if it turned out that the reason for the separation lay with the man, e.g. that he was not ready for a relationship at the time (then it would be better to ask the next person about it).
Even if he criticizes you, you could focus on evaluating it. Do I even want to change what the other criticizes? For example, if someone were to criticize me for being a psychologist and that I like talking about interpersonal issues, that would not be criticism for me (because I became a psychologist on purpose and with a lot of effort and I think it's good), but it would mean that it just doesn't fit with this man. But if he told me, for example, that I talk about problems too often and that I can't relax enough, I could check this point and, if necessary, be more aware of when I'm overstepping the mark.
Basically, you can only win by trying to get feedback.
Best wishes and have courage!
Julia Peirano
This article contains so-called affiliate links. There is more information here.
