When you have children, you are confronted with your own parenting experiences. Many young parents don't want to do everything differently, but some things do. What is the best way to find your own way?
Maren Hoff coaches parents in Hamburg in coming to terms with their family history. In her clients, she repeatedly finds three parenting styles that arise from "wanting to do things differently". "If their own parents were very strict, the children are allowed to do almost anything," she says. There are seldom fixed rules and a no, from which new conflicts arise. "If the parents were hardly there for you, the current child is constantly cared for," she continues. As a result, the parents do not allow themselves any breaks. Your own needs recede into the background, which means that you are overloaded much more quickly.
If you have experienced a lot of anger and screaming yourself in childhood, you can trigger many situations in which you want to scream or freeze in shock. "Out of necessity, we fall back on old, unwanted family patterns," says Hoff. According to the expert, many parents find it difficult to find a calm path, especially with emotionally strong children.
There are also phrases like "Don't be so silly!" or "Do I have to say everything five times?", which come from one's own parents and grandparents and have been internalized. In conflict situations, they quickly reappear. A "withdrawal of love, with sentences like "I don't like you when you're like that" also affects children from an early age," says Anna Hofer from Cologne. The non-medical practitioner for psychotherapy often advises women who are becoming mothers for the first time.
"When children learn to please in order to please, destructive behaviors can develop in adulthood," she says. It is also important that parents reconsider the gender-typical ideas of previous generations. "A boy is trusted more than a girl. You shouldn't give children the impulse all the time," advises Maren Hoff.
But how do mothers and fathers find a new style of parenting? "By setting yourself apart from your own parents," says Hoff. From her experience, three steps help here:
1. Imagine your own parents as children again in order to get an understanding of their imprinting.2. Giving parents responsibility for their lives. Knowing that you are now making your own decisions.3. Practice new core beliefs. She recommends pursuing the questions: How do I want to live? Which values are important to me? What rules and boundaries does this require?
Along the way, you should also get rid of doubts about your own role as a mother or father. Over time, slumbering destructive sentences ("I'm not okay the way I am") turn into constructive sentences ("I'm okay the way I am, even if I make mistakes"). This creates self-love and a feeling of self-efficacy, according to the parent coach.
Anna Hofer advises connecting with people who tick similarly on the way to your own ideas. As a counterbalance to the family of origin. Guides, books and magazines can also help you to find your parenting style.
But of course you can't completely ignore the advice of your own parents. Grandparents want to pass on their expertise. "They often have a very transfigured memory of the first years with their children," says Hofer. The years are very long ago. Nevertheless, she recommends showing understanding for the parenting style of the time. "Listening and understanding why they brought up the way they did in their situation" is important.
Under no circumstances should one provoke one's own parents with how innovative and different one brings up children, according to the expert. That can lead to conflict. It's better to calm down with statements like "You don't have to worry, Mom" if you want to make other decisions with the children.
Some grandparents accept that parenting styles are changing. Others don't let go of old patterns and constantly interfere. In this case, Maren Hoff recommends asking for an interview.
During the meeting, everyone should be allowed to say what is important to them when dealing with (grand)children. This can lead to compromises, for example a pampering day at grandma and grandpa's and behavior that is not accepted, for example yelling at the children. You should respect your own values and those of others. "It creates inner peace and a feeling of equal footing," she says.
Such a conversation is also worthwhile before joint vacations and family celebrations. "Parents should think carefully about how the meetings can be structured," advises Anna Hofer. If, for example, the children are expected to all sit well at the table and play quietly, although they are still very small or spirited, another solution must be found.
"Parents should explain what makes their children tick," says Hofer. This is how you avoid conflicts with your own parents or grandparents because of their expectations.
