In the anticipation of the holidays, many are concerned that there will be a fight between the presents and the roast goose. That doesn't go with the idea of happy families and sparkling children's eyes. But how can you prevent it from crashing and what do you do if it happens anyway?
Christmas, the celebration of love, is the cliché that one would be only too happy to cater to. But there is also the stress, the high expectations and, above all, other people who challenge you, especially under the Christmas tree. The result: the Christmas days often end in unexpectedly violent conflicts, arguments and disappointment that everything is not as idyllic as in the advertisement.
More and more people are now aware of this. Before the festival, psychologists and mediators are regularly fully booked to ensure that you are prepared for the "best time of the year" in individual or group sessions. Because even just coming together has it all. Very few families celebrate Christmas in the constellation with which they are used to in everyday life. Instead, grown-up children meet parents who are getting older, couples meet each other's family of origin and everyone meets one another.
It helps to take off your rose-colored glasses and not expect that everything will be played out in perfect harmony. "A family is never free of conflict," says qualified psychologist and mediator Katrin Buchs in an interview with ntv.de. "Why should that be at Christmas of all times?"
From the expert's point of view, this is mainly due to social expectations. "More than Easter and all the holidays of the year put together, Christmas has the label of harmony." There are also memories of what Christmas was like as a child, which are often glorified. "That's where the belief comes from, that everything was always great, and that's where the idea comes from, I have to have it that way again or design it that way myself."
A 2015 study showed that people's wellbeing plummets around the Christmas season. Especially when a lot of money has been spent on gifts and the focus is on consumption. Stress levels were measured for certain events as early as the 1950s, with the situation following the death of a loved one leading the way, followed by Christmas and weddings.
There are a number of ways to reduce stress. In addition to realism, planning and, above all, sharing responsibilities also help. Who is with whom when? What is there to eat? Who is responsible for the starter, who for the main course and who for the dessert? Will someone bring an ironed tablecloth? Does the tablecloth have to be ironed at all? When is the giving of presents, Christmas mass, yes or no? Because as beautiful as rituals are, nothing is as constant as change. You can and should talk about this beforehand. You may be stuck on time-consuming and stressful agenda items that most want to let go of.
Psychologist Buchs emphasizes that it helps to ask yourself what is really important at Christmas. The next question could then be: What could I do without? "We should reflect on what the purpose behind certain expectations is. Why do I want these things? Actually, it's about having a good time together." A spotlessly clean kitchen or an ironed tablecloth are not decisive for this, says Buchs.
One important stress factor is being close together. Throughout the year you see each other rather seldom, then everyone comes together at Christmas and are closer than usual. In many cases there is a clash of generations. "The children have evolved, the parents too, but when they meet, the old behavioral patterns are activated almost automatically. It takes effort to get out of there," emphasizes the psychologist. Again, the only real help here is to start a conversation with each other. Many families also open their Christmas celebrations to friends and non-family members. This often has the effect that the family dynamic weakens somewhat, also because you don't want to expose yourself to outsiders.
Nevertheless, not every conflict can be avoided. Then Christmas doesn't have to be screwed up right away. "One can ask oneself: Is this a conflict that can be solved right now? Is there something we can talk about?" Katrin Buchs advises in this case. Sometimes it helps to take a closer look. If someone accuses the other of never getting in touch, the psychologist explains, for example, that this could be due to a desire for more contact. It would be good if everyone resolved to treat each other with kindness and respect.
Especially if you are together for several days, you should allow yourself rest periods, take time out, for example go for a walk or take a nap. Couples could also stay separately. Humor and avoidance of currently unsolvable topics definitely help.
Often, however, the disputes are sparked by conflicts that keep coming up. Sometimes you can leave things as they are, also in a positive sense, perhaps when it comes to an old relative who you no longer want to argue with, says Buchs. "But if I know that I'll be angry for weeks afterwards, then it's better to take a stand. You don't have to change the other person, but you have to say your opinion." All techniques of non-violent communication, I-messages, the expression of feelings and the request for a certain action help. "You can also simply say: We've never agreed on this topic and I'm afraid we're still arguing today. Maybe we can talk about it another time."
On the other hand, it doesn't make sense to assume the worst. If you really experience arguments and massive conflicts every year, you should celebrate with other people as a matter of urgency. "We can also allow ourselves to think: do I have to celebrate Christmas with my family at all?" says Buchs, which many people hardly dare to think. But if you know for sure that the same conflicts occur every year, it is worth asking this question. And even then you can't avoid the argument. What would be the consequence? If someone is disappointed, will I be disinherited? What would that mean? If so, would I be lonely and what could I do instead?
It's better than the dreadful feeling of dreading the holidays and hoping they'll pass quickly. Happy Christmas days, as many of them wish each other, are probably those when the joy of being together outweighs the recurring tensions. Or as Katrin Buchs says: "The damage occurs when we swallow everything, when we don't accept that we have limits. If we respect that we all have human needs, it becomes much more peaceful in and around us."
